Friday, July 02, 2010

Spider Webs: Resistance is Futile

Spider Web Resistance Rating (SWRR)

Level 1 Low resistance to breakage, minimal adhesion. The spider silk brushes gently past your face, breaking easily and floating away. No spiders or dead bugs are evident on the web you just destroyed.

Level 2 — Slight resistance to breakage, moderate adhesion. The spider web will stretch for half a stride before breaking. You likely do not see the spider, as it is small enough to fear your presence and abandons the web at your approach.

Level 3 — Advanced resistance to breakage, strong adhesion. The spider web stretches considerably before breaking. Running through the web induces involuntary response of flailing arms and frantic wiping of face. You are likely to find the slower spiders stuck to your face or shoulder. The mummified remains of the spider’s kills are present, often sticking like black spit-wads to your arms, face, chest, and legs.

Level 4 — Maximum resistance to breakage, sticky as hell. In fact, the web may not even break. Spiders have lost all fear of large mammals and hold their ground. The spider is large enough that you make eye contact with the furry arachnid prior to collision. By the end of your trek, you are partially encased in multiple webs, dehydrated bugs, and likely have a few spiders writhing inside your shirt.

Level 5 — The spiders eat you. Runners getting a late start find your dehydrated remains suspended above the trail.

© 2010 Kristi Mayo


Nick Lang said...

You forgot about the the times when the spider is making a run for it, but by the time the web breaks, the spider makes like 8-legged flail that whips you in the head!

Gary said...

And Level 5.5 -- possibly the worst -- when the spider mates with you against your will, and THEN eats you.